English
Finally, my fingers
are working again, so I can start writing about a rare illness called
Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS) which struck me down last October.
There is so much in my head waiting to be written, and I know that
those of you who know me have been waiting to hear about my life
changing experience. This photo shows me in September 2012 shortly
before I got sick.My Guillain Barre Syndrome
What is Guillain -Barre Syndrome?
Guillain-Barre
syndrom has been known about for 200 years, it's an auto immune
disease in which the immune system is reversed by a virus, and then
begins to destroy the insulating (Myelin) layer of the nerves. The
short explanation for electrician like me : Total short -circuit in
the entire wiring harness.
The consequences are
a paralysis of the whole body up to the respiratory system. The
treatment aims to stop the immune system with immuno globines which
ends the destruction process. Then the immune system re-starts and
the myelin sheath grows back slowly and most of all paralysis can be
healed within one year. It's a really hard experience, I can tell
you!
A GBS is not a
modern civilisation desease. It can happen to everyone at every age.
Man and women get them almost at the same amount, and you will not
get imune when you once had it. It seems to me its only a rare but
fatal mistake of our imune system.
But firstly, thank you all so much for the love and good thoughts you sent to me while I was in hospital. Especially for my tuff wife Claudia and my parents, who tried to be with me as much as possible.
I
am deeply touched and still amazed how far my news travelled. I
received compassionate messages and good wishes from everywhere: For
example, so many of you took up my wife Claudia's idea to think of me
every evening at 9 o'clock in order to send me healing and there were
also some meditation circles in Orgiva who prayed for me.
As if this
wasnt enough, this healing spread so far afield that Anna the
organiser of Osel Ling, a nearby Tibetan Buddhist reatreat centre,
sent an email to northern India where 5000 Tibetan monks who live in
exile, prayed for me. What a gift!
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All
this has touched me very deeply, especially as my serious illness has
radically changed not only my own conciousness -opening my own eyes
and heart- but also that of so many of my friends, who were suddenly
able to see their problems in perspective. I have often cried tears
of joy about the depth of love I experienced during that time, as I
experienced such great kindness, always and everywhere. How should I
begin...?
It all happened so suddenly and out of the blue. Like any illness also this one began with hardly noticeable small things. I hadn't noticed my first symptoms until a week earlier. I started losing my sense of taste, and after a few days experiencing warmth and cold much more intensely in my skin and also a tickling and numbness in my hands and feet. At first we thought I perhaps had only a circulatory disorder. Due to strong tension in my shoulders. Yes, literally something sat me in the neck. But when my legs suddenly got weak and when I collapsed on my doorstep it was certainly time to go to the hospital in Granada!
A good friend now
drove me to the hospital, who I brought there a few months ago with a
thumb injury. We both joked about this situation. Even within this
one hour drive, I had no strength left to walk and I had to be pushed
into the emergency room with a wheelchair from the car. My initial
hope, that maybe I could go back home with just a couple of pills,
was soon shattered. I went through a whole series of studies,
surgeries, and a magnetic resonance imaging. At that point when all
my personal belongings and my clothes were taken away from me, I felt
degraded, as I would now be taken to a prison from which I would not
come out again soon. But soon I was so disoriented that I no longer
noticed all what has been done to me. I was overwhelmed with
everything and slept most of the time. I was very lucky, the correct
diagnosis was made and immediately treated within a few hours.
It
was the 07.Oct.2012 and a close call, a day later and I probably
would have choked.
The
hospital diagnosed Guillain Barre Syndrom, a rare and sudden form of
paralisis and I was immediately put into Intensive Care and onto
heavy medication.
Yes,
it was really bad especially at the beginning - Being so completely
paralysed and lying there completely helpless and defenceless- My
immune system reacted against the insulating myelin sheath of my
nerves, and all I was able to do was to move my head slightly to one
side. I couldn't move the rest of my body at all and even half of my
face was paralysed. My lung muscles had no strength, so I had to be
put onto mechanical ventilation in intensive care (ICU here in Spain
UCI) for six weeks in order just to breath. I was given morphine in
high doses to help combat the fierce pain, and I couldn't even speak.
I could only whisper with my mouth, because I was ventilated through
a tube on my neck (tracheotomy) and so my throat didnt got any air.
Most could barely understand me. I couldnt ask anyone how things are
going with me, or what was done to me. I couldnt ask anyone to help
me if something hurted , or if I was scared about something.
Never
in my life I have been seriously ill, or even been in an hospital.
But now I was lying there, surrounded by beeping machines that kept
me alive.
I
can remember the first two weeks in Intensive Care only very faintly.
The doctors made me sleep almost the whole time. Had it not been for
my wife Claudia who was able to explain what had happened to me in my
very few clear moments, it would have been a terrifying nightmare,
stuck in a body unable to move or speak. But she reassured me that
within a couple of months I could be well on the way to health again.
Most of the time I felt so indescribably uncomfortable that very often I made a sound with the tongue, the only communication sign that still connected me with the outside world. This barely audible noise was the only signal for the nurses that I needed something. All the time some parts of my body were hurting, and it made me crazy that I could not do anything myself to alleviate this pain by a change of position. Again and again, the nurses had to put a pillow under my legs or take it away again, or put one of my arms in a different position.
I
was so sorry to call the nurses so very often, they really had plenty
to do. And I felt like a helpless nasty kid, that drives all into
madness with his incessant needs. So I often was happy if I got my
morphine, because then I was really quiet.
Every conscious minute took me like hours, every day seemed like many weeks. These eight weeks I spent on the UVI, are comparatively short for a lifetime, but they were certainly the longest time of my life, they seemed to me like an eternity. Sometimes in life you feel like you have wasted a whole year for nothing, and then there are hours you would never trade for anything in the world.
I felt not only locked up in my body, it was also like being locked up like in a prison of this modern transmission of a hospital ward. I was under heavy medication similar to an insane asylum, and I often thought that I would never get out of here again. I always lived a very independent life, and giving up the control was like a torture for me.
In
the first 2 weeks I got a medication to stop the destruction of my
own immune system. My immune system now no longer worked and I was
very vulnerable to any disease. I got one pneumonia after the other,
and consequently a lot of antibiotics to controll it. I always felt
very sick of these antibiotics and once I had to vomit so hard that I
puked out the entire contents of my artificially fed stomach,
including the tube of the gavage in one single gush all over my bed.
The only brief comment of the nurse on duty was: "Hostia"
(damn).
Very often I had a fever and had mucus by a cold, which was very unpleasant especially in the lungs, because quite often this made me wanting to cough. But I could not cough because of my too weak lung muscles. The mucus often tormented me long before I could make myself understood. The only remedy was a dangerous looking procedure that had to be done sometimes every hour. A suction of mucus with the help of an approximately 50cm long thin plastic tube, which was inserted directly into the connection piece of the lung machine to my neck. I always had this fear they could hurt my lungs somehow with this long pointy thing. Also, the negative pressure during suction generated violent choking and if it took too long veritable panic.
Even in the ICU I got almost daily half an hour with Lola a nice physical therapist. She moved my legs and arms, which was always a great relief, because all my joints hurt. She was the only one with whom I could communicate reasonably with my barely audible speach. She had an incredibly good empathy and always seemed to understand me well. With her I had many good conversations that made me feel again as a human.
During
this time I got so close to death that I had the opportunity to see a
small part of my own future as if it was a short film. I was shortly,
but very aware in another dimensions in which I was much closer to
timelessness than of the time as we can normally experience. It
occurred to me much more real than anything previously before. It was
like an awakening from a long dream I had taken for reality. Or like
a deep remembering, perhaps like when you return to a place from your
early childhood.
I
remember this happening when I was in a lot of pain and was
hyperventilating. I could not feel my lower body because of the
strong pain in my hips. A nurse was trying to put my legs in a better
position, but the pain was still extreme. I was very desperate and
insecure, how it might go on with my life. I wondered if I would be
handicaped, or having to suffer for the rest of my life.
All
alarm signals of my survival machines beeped like crazy already for a
while. I seriously wondered if I would just die right now? But it
hardly bothered me. Should I go on like this, desperately fighting to
breathe more, to be able to stand this pain. Somehow I had enough.
Maybe something in me wanted to die because I just carried on with
hyperventilating.
I was not afraid. I knew I was probably on the way to death, but even if I did not care. I wanted to know where it would take me. Yes, and somehow I was just curious of what was to come there. What did I had to lose now. I felt a bit like a little like a child, like a defiant little boy who didnt do what he should do. Somehow it felt right. It was only my decision what I wanted to do now. I felt a little like a child, like a little boy who did not do what he should do. But I felt somehow right, everyone should have the right to decide freely whether they want to live or not. And maybe that was my only chance to get out here now, because soon I could not even have the strengh anymore to do that. So I continued to breathe against the machines, as hard as I could. I gave everything I still had in me, and went on and on and on ....
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I
marveled at the sight of this giant planet below me, and I became
aware that this earth is only a tiny place in this universe. This
emptiness and limitlessness seemed overwhelming. I felt really
smaller than small, a tiny dot of a soul, alone in this immensity of
space.
I
was not alone, but there was no one else to see but me.
Then I looked closer
into the deep blackness and my vision got clearer and sharper. Now I
suddenly could see billion little dots of shimmerning lights. Like
the colourful reflections in a granite stone, or like all the
shimmering information stored on a DVD.
I realized that they
were pure informations. It seemed like a chronicle of the whole
world. Some of these points of light seemed to be as connected to
each other in a magical way. You only had to follow one point and you
could see the information like a movie in your mind.![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSZiJ-rqQANejKIxMpJ0eY3bWCIgQZoXwnsuTVuLnqua8MS9b9Fdie307YiymwuM9qYXJkEr7R3mby7QYroH9K7HRqr9_LZvZ8GM0Cm55vJvP5nAjD4G-h3g0sDMe0_PO5-VqO/s1600/HolographicSquare-04-lores2.jpg)
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The
space was not empty, on the contrary, it was full and massive. I had
the feeling as if you could cut it with a very sharp knife.
Everything
was contained in it simultaneously, the past, present and the future
of all beings. What especially surprised me was being able to glimpse
all these possible parallel realities for all of us. Really all paths
of life that can ever be! Nothing
seemed like to be predetermined, because all the possible paths and
decisions were simply inmeasurable.
I
could then decide if I wanted to dissolve in this ocean of
timelessness, or go back to life and go back into time. Because of
that
I wanted
to know what my life would look like after my illness and I was
allowed to see a glimpse of my own future:
I saw myself walking
up the track with my children, it was warm, the sun was shining, I
was able to walk fairly well, and I was satisfied. I said to myself:
Ok, thats not too bad, I would like to go back.
Then
a voice, like my inner voice, told me: I would have to die some
months earlier than if I hadn't had my illness. But that didn't scare
me at all anymore. Everything was very cozy and nice here. Death is
quite comfortable compared to our life on earth. But I guess if I had
not felt that many of you would like to have me back on earth,
perhaps I would have gone really easily, because there was no fear of
dying here, and it felt very very comfortable.
Yes,
somehow it was really tight, but I decided quite spontaneously to
life,
I then woke up again
just a few moments later, as from a long dream, when my grumpy
anesthetist loudly yelled at me and shaked me to get myself together
and breath normal again. The next morning he was taken aback before
my breathing machine screen. When he checked my values. He muttered
something, and then said, as if to himself: Why only you regenerate
so quickly?
Hyperventilating
so hard was probably a very good training for my weak lung muscles.
To
be up there was a bit like when you go back to a place of your early
childhood where you had maybe spent a few years time. First, you dont
remember anything, and then when you look around a little, something
draws you in, and you realize that it is a deep part inside of you.
Something in you then remembers this place, and you are happy just to
be there again.
But
there in timelessness all these information had somehow the same
taste and it felt as if it were completely empty and meaningless. It
occupied me no more fears. Nothing, just wait and indifference
without any emotion. Everything seemed from here to be empty
meaningless. Nothing can ever get lost, and none of it is more than
the drop that falls back into the ocean.
Everything
here on earth what seems to be so full of meaning is there nothing
more than a speck of information. Later I realized that a meaning is
created only by the boundaries we draw ourselves: Beautiful /ugly,
light /dark, good /bad, inside /outside, you /me, etc. In
timelessness these opposites do not exist. They all have the same
taste. Nothing is more important or more valuable than anything else.
No life is better there, or worse. Everything is just as it is,
completely neutral, without any assessment. It is certainly hard to
imagine, but once you have had this experience, it will alway stay in
your memory.
It
was a place where there was absolutely no sense of time. It seemed to
me as if I had always been there, and that I would be here forever. A
single moment can happen here like a whole life, or many lives like a
single moment.
From there the earth seemed to me like a time trap in the middle of this infinite emptiness and fullness of timelessness. On Earth we only have the presence ? Past and future are not accessible to us.
From there the earth seemed to me like a time trap in the middle of this infinite emptiness and fullness of timelessness. On Earth we only have the presence ? Past and future are not accessible to us.
And
it is only here where we have all our senses, that we can truly
appreciate these wonderful experiences: Feelings such as love,
happiness, joy, light and colour, wind and water on our skin, the
taste of delicious food, the sight of this beautiful earth with all
its wonderful creatures.
This
experience maybe lasted only 10 minutes, but it will influence and
rule my second life now, I am starting anew. I enjoy all these
worldly gifts with so much more gratitude and awareness. What a
precious gift! Every day! Every moment !This experience lasted
perhaps only about 10 minutes, but they will always accompany my
second life I now begin here and exhort me to perceive all these
worldly gifts and much more grateful and confident. What a precious
gift ! Every day! Each moment !
Later
we can be dead still for half an eternity. But only now we are alive
here on earth, now our ticket is valid in this unique, wonderful
event, which certainly so many souls would love to come, too. It is
probably one of the greatest gifts in the universe, or perhaps the
greatest attraction of the cosmos.
I was once again so much aware that I'm just a guest here on earth, a time traveler, and we are all here only for a very short time, because the days and years go by so quickly. And at some point I anyway will have to say goodbye again.
I was once again so much aware that I'm just a guest here on earth, a time traveler, and we are all here only for a very short time, because the days and years go by so quickly. And at some point I anyway will have to say goodbye again.
Still the most
dominant feelings that have remained in me from this experience are:
Love and happiness.
Maybe
it had something to do with this wild happiness I felt in me. I
understood for the first time who I really am and in what kind of
world we all live. I was so happy to be back with the people that I
loved. I knew now, every being here is deeply loved and valued
forever, no one has really something to worry about, or anything can
go wrong. And anyone, who has felt this all-embracing divine love
even only for a single second knows for sure, that his life was worth
up to this point. And anyone who doesnt, has no glimpse, or can
obtain an approximately accurate understanding of who or what we are.
And I do not mean
here any abstract or mature form of love. This love feels so ordinary
like any love we can have for our fellow human beings, or even to
things or situations.
The mood of this "other" timeless world remained a presence in me for long. There I was as divorced from personal attachments. I was not more concerned about worldly things. There were no places that I missed, or people that I could grieve about. I was a soul that had nothing to lose. I have come out of nowhere and I was a nobody, and I had no personal history anymore. I also accepted my circumstances fully and completely released.
For the first time
in my life I was appeased, not satisfied or happy, but appeased. It
was as if a great hand make the clock stand still in my head. A clock
that had ticked otherwise constantly, and never gave me that inner
peace that now I could feel there, almost compleately paralyzed in my
hospital bed in the UVI of an hospital in my favorite city of
Granada.
It was as if
eternity had begun to beat in my roots, and has started to think his
own eternal thoughts with my brain. Before my illness, it had not
come so far with me, the boundaries were strictly drawn. Far too
often still, my thoughts were so confused.
Now I found it often
difficult to keep my past and my present self apart.
The new me that I'm
not sure that it is not absorbed slowly from a larger We.
Many years ago, this transformation started in me. But now it has become almost impossible for me, in this buzzing and chirping "silence" of the UVI, among all the people in this hospital, to feel like a single and separated self. A small, blind, stubborn life that does not want to insert into the great community? Once it had been my pride and joy to be such a life. But now it suddenly seemed to me very miserable and ridiculous. An inflated nothing. Who I was if not one of the many eyes of God. We're all from the same origin. The fact that there is all information of the whole cosmic history freely available around you, gives you a sense of omniscience and a deep peace of mind.
The only thing that was hard to take here was loneliness. To be able to be everywhere at once really makes very lonely. Everyone knows everything, everyone is the same than me, everyone is me. You have no one you could teach with his omniscience. There is nothing else than you. There is no playful ignorance in which I could bring in a tiny little bit of my self, with hope for a kind of a confirmation of my existence.
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The photo here shows
me the first day I was able to breathe on their own again and I was
finally freed from the lung machine.
My
happiness about life has been with me during the whole illness. I was
just happy and deeply grateful to be still alive and I just had fun
in life, even if I was completely paralyzed. I had just accepted my
fate, nothing in me resisted more about it. It was just how it was,
and I would come back again. Because I knew nothing remains as it is,
and everything is changing all the time!
I'll
never forget that day, because I suddenly could speak again. What a
breakthrough to make myselve understood again. I felt that I got a
part again of that was what was happening around me .
This
experience will gave me so much more understanding for people with
disabilities and for all the frustrations they might have every day
of their lives.
I cried at that time very often, was deeply moved quickly because of tiny little events, eg some lyrics I heard in a song somewhere. A deep, knowing, loving look of someone who passed. A beautiful memory or a thought about someone I liked very much. Or simply because the cleaning lady today was not in such a good mood as usual and wasnt humming to herself during her work.
This
attitude made the experience of being helpless not too heavy, even
though it really wasn't that easy for an old control freak like
myself! But I was very pleasantly surprised at how I could accept all
the help so easily and I was so grateful for it.
I
admit, however, I sometimes did try to get control by whining or
doing some drama in situations that were disagreeable.
Especially
in the early days, when I still had a lot of pain and wanted to have
changed my sleeping position very often. And later then when I learn
sitting again. Sometimes it was like a little power struggle for help
or attention, and often my real intentions were unmasked quickly from
the very experienced nurses.
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A
few wonderful songs you can find on her website:
Johanna
Kunin is one of these musicians who started their own label in order
to remain completely independent and to be able to develop their own
personal style. Far away from the commercial interests of the
entertainment industry. She earns thereby unfortunately very little
with her music. Although I find that she deserves to get as much
money that she would no need to do anything more than to continue
writing such wonderful songs untill her very end.
Who
ever likes her music too and can support her by buying a CD should
really do that.
My
morphine-dreams:
I still remember a few funny and horrible experiences that were probably heavily influenced by the big amount of morphine I was being given. Often I was so high that my muscles were twitching. I had a dry mouth and my tongue felt like half deaf. At night sometimes I was really afraid of falling out of bed. I often felt as if I was floating on my bed about 100m above the city lights.
Many GBS patients
report such horror visions, they could also be a neural fear reaction
of the brain. Any intervention by doctors or nurses were usually very
painful for me. Infusion needles have been drilled into both armpits,
and each change of position was like a nervous firework in my head.
So it was that I often got already fear again when someone came to my
bed and did something to me. Far the worst was for me to be
completely delivered and dependend.
Often I could not
see properly, perhaps because the nurses forgot to put my thick
glasses on in the morning, and often I did not understand what they
were saying, especially when they speak this very fast andalusian
Spanish.
The school of witchcraft:
I was in a
University Hospital and once a doctor came to me with two students,
to show them how to make the dental care with paralyzed patients. She
explained in detail the two different-colored liquids that seem to
smell very bad, because they all srewed their faces up as they
sniffed it. One student at first refused to use the stuff on me,
because he said it was as strong as petrol and certainly not healthy
if I swallowed it. I became as scared as hell and it felt almost as
if I had got into a torture chamber of bad witches. The doctor then
injected a huge load of the stuff into my mouth and sucked it out
again with a terrible roar. It tasted disgusting. But I just managed
to hold my breath long enough so that I didnt swallow a lot of it.
Then a student nurse cleaned me with a sponge and the other liquid.
First he apologized to me that this was his first attempt I was his
practice rabbit. He promised to be as gentle as he could. He did it
really well and it was not as bad as I expected. I smiled at him
gratefully and nodded kindly. I was glad to have at least one
friendly and normal person here among all these evil witches .....
The police was here:
Once, my suspicions
grew so much that I thought I was not in a hospital, but at a private
outpatient care house in the midst of a quarrel which had broken out
among the nurses. They shouted nastily at each other and as each one
disappeared it occurred to me, that the whole place would probably be
illegal and the police already had an eye on them. When I heared a
police siren I was glad that the whole thing would soon be over and I
would be able to go back to a proper hospital! just hoped that
Claudia and the children were not involved somehow. But then the men
who came in didn't look like policemen. Were they working undercover?
I was unsure if I should do something, but I could not even speak.
Later, when I woke up again, Claudia was there and I was so glad to
see her. I tried to explain to her that the cops were here and she
would have to get me out of here quickly. Thank God she was able to
calm me down and tell me that everything was only a bad dream.
I
had never felt so helpless felt like in those moments. Sometimes it
was all too much and I gave up and fell asleep.
But sometimes I had
really nice dreams. Once I was in holiday in Cabo de Gata with
Claudia and our old camper van. We traveled with another very nice
young couple who also had an old camper. It was summer and we had a
lot of fun together, enjoying ourselves on the beautiful beaches.
When I woke up I first could not believe that I was actually
paralyzed and in the hospital and it was really winter. Outside it
was raining like mad. How I wished I'd stayed a little longer in my
dream ....
The big prank:
I also had a very
funny morphine-dream experience. I thought I heard that my friends
Armin and Jessi were visiting, but they did not come into my room,
only speaking to the nurses in the hallway. I thought they were
probably having a lot of fun because I could hear them laughing and I
was kind of jealous. But then they did come to me, but they were
dressed in green coats and put all sorts of old hospital junk into my
room - An ultrasound machine and various old looking infusion stands
- How funny, because I thought that Armin and Jessi had found the
stuff somewhere in the garbage, and they were doing one of their wild
tricks. I thought they were just dressed as nurses and behaved as if
they didn't know me.... Only at the very end of the visiting time
Jessi came in then for a brief visit. I said, how nice you came to
see me... but she couldn't understand me and went away again. I heard
a truck engine outside and thought they had gone away again. Later
the nurses discussed what to do with all this stuff and seemed very
clueless about it! They ordered a cleaning lady, but at some point,
thank God everything was taken out of my room again.
Later I told that
story to Armin and Jessi and they laughed a lot, because none of it
was true.
I had made it all
up. This often happens with morphine, all your strange dreams seem
completely real, even if it's totally absurd. Often my eyes crossed
and my brain combined both images into a single image. This sometimes
created the funniest and most disturbing images, such as a flower pot
sitting on a chair for a long time staring into a laptop.
I
often fell asleep while I had visitors, and very often I could not
really distinguish between dream and reality. I was also really
confused thinking that the Spanish nurses were sometimes talking in
perfect German dialects, but then often I couldn't understand
anything at all. Many
times I
felt completely broken and incapable of living.
The presence of people I knew well was so indescribably important to
me. I so desperately needed contact with reality and the confidence
of the people I knew from my real life.
My new life started
in the UVI of the hospital "San Cecilia" in Granada. After
seven weeks in the ICU, I already felt at home there.
I was very well
treated and monitored closely. The team of doctors and nurses were
fantastic, everyone there ran tirelessly from left to right and from
right to left. Often it seemed to me like I was at a tennis match.
Like
any intensive care unit it is in many ways the place that in our days
most decide about life and death. I saw here many patients come and
go and sometimes I realized if one died. In general, th pacientce
here were only patched up again after an accident. They usually
stayed only for a few hours or some days until they were transferred
to other stations.
Just
me and a half- dead man in the bed diagonally opposite stayed here
for many many weeks. At first I heard some signs of life sometimes,
here and there a rattle, a cough, or even sometimes an irregular
beeping of his survival machines. But he soon seemed to me just like
a dead man obtained here alive artificially. Was his soul already
gone? His family was always just completely baffled stading around by
his bed, but no one here seemed to want to pull the plug. This went
on for many weeks.
Then one day, the man's body was washed and oiled with a smelly liquid, and his bed was elaborately and intricately decorated with all sorts of religious -looking things. So I thought to myself, this seem to be the modern death here in Spain, a funny absurd mixture of old Catholic traditions, Andalusian magic and the most modern hospital technology. All this probably was only to help the family to say good bye more easily.
Then one day, the man's body was washed and oiled with a smelly liquid, and his bed was elaborately and intricately decorated with all sorts of religious -looking things. So I thought to myself, this seem to be the modern death here in Spain, a funny absurd mixture of old Catholic traditions, Andalusian magic and the most modern hospital technology. All this probably was only to help the family to say good bye more easily.
After
this magic show where the entire family was standing in front of his
bed, only a little while later a nurse secretly unplugged this man
without any other witnesses. The body was wrapped in white sheets
and later driven away by two men in black clothes on a tiny little
bare. Suddenly nothing had anymore magic. The cleaning lady came soon
after and his bed was cleaned, and a few hours later a new patient
layed already in the same place.
There
were sometimes quite absurd things to see. Once a little boy died as
a result of a car accident. The mother was crying so hard that she
was quickly brought out of the station. His grandmother was sitting
next to his bed for al long long time. Suddenly she tried to light a
huge oil lamp, probably to escort his soul better to heaven. But that
was of course a real trouble, as the nurses discovered this. The old
woman was also asked to leave. She was very distressed and asked then
to at least cut off a lock of hair from the boy to pray better for
him at home. She got this hairs and went away.
Sometimes I felt here like a little boy beeing mothered, I was helpless like a little baby. They all looked well after me and I was really observed very intense. Almost every hour my blood pressure and the temperature was measured and recorded. The bundle of all of these records was already a thick pack of paper.
I
soon knew all the doctors and nurses, so they became a bit like my
new family. I liked them all very much and felt very well liked by
all of them. All knew me up to the underwear, they had often washed
and cleaned me, they fed me very paciently. With some I even had long
philosophical conversations about life sometimes.
It was really hard for me to leave this new home after these 8 long weeks. They all came, one after another, to personally say goodbye to me. They all wished me good health and gave me useful tips for my further recovery. I was so very touched every time that I always had to cry.
It was really hard for me to leave this new home after these 8 long weeks. They all came, one after another, to personally say goodbye to me. They all wished me good health and gave me useful tips for my further recovery. I was so very touched every time that I always had to cry.
Then
I was moved for the next few weeks in neurology. My parents always
helped with the move. I got a room with a beautiful view, north
facing, I could see a hill where I once did my most beautiful
paragliding flight.
I was still hanging on a drip and still got strong painkillers. My legs ached terribly, especially at night. My knees brought me many sleepless nights.
Almost every day, Lola still came to me, my beloved physio-therapist. She bravely made her exercises with me. With her help I was halfway upright for the first time. It probably looked more like a potato sack, but I stood for a few seconds on my incredibly shaky legs. I was immediately very dizzy and I felt like totally done for hours. I remember that I thought that I would never be able to walk again.
In the first week of
December, I got a place in the nearby rehab clinic "San
Raphael". On my first day I was in a kind of a waiting room.
Besides me layed a very very old man. My first thought was: He might
doesent makes it not for very long ... And in fact, already an hour
later he breathed his last breath. He just waited until his wife
arrived to be with him.
I was very clear and
cool, it didnt feared me anymore in any way, because I knew now
where he would go. I was rather glad for him, and much more sad about
his family, who were going through a lot of pain. I was sorry for
them not to see the sanctity of this silent and so important moment
of this man.
The rehab was great,
I even got a bright room on the south side of the building and so for
the first time I had direct rays of the sun in my bed. A very
different wind was blowing here. There were a lot of old people, but
also many young and cheerful nurses. My parents had taken three weeks
time for me and really spoiled me all day long.
The
worst part was actually learning to sit again. They started making me
try sit in a chair very early on. Even in Intensive Care they lifted
me up from the bed into a chair with a small crane. The first time I
had great difficulty just keeping my head straight. I didn't have
enough feeling in my butt to be able to feel pain, but soon that
changed and those sitting times become my worst hours. This finally
changed when I managed five hours of sitting and could then sit in a
wheelchair with a special silicone pillow which my father bought for
me, which to
this day I still like use when I sit for long.
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When
I first was equipped with a wheelchair I make my first exploratory
trips through the clinic. I couldnt wait a second and in the next
moment I was already out of the room outside and exploring my
surroundings.
I
discovered a small window through which you could see a busy street
in the heart of Granada. Stunned, I watched the passers-by, all of
them could just walk around easily in the fresh air. Most certainly
not realize how lucky they are. I will never take such things for
granted and I never thought what a great freedom we have got being
able to walk. I sat often for a long time at this window, sometimes
with other patients in wheelchairs, and I longed to be out here
again. I would have given anything for it.
These
simple things would never be normal again for me. I demanded not too
much, I just wanted to run around outside again, feel the sun on my
face, enjoying the freedom and no longer be dependent on the mundane
things of life. But now I had to go the way, completely out of my own
strength.
All
my doctors, nurses, and especially my physio-therapist were always
very worried about my recovering process because I'm vegetarian. All
told me that I would never be healthy if I continue refusing to eat
meat. How else would I get all the proteins required for building up
my muscles. Some were even a little angry with me because they found
my attitude counter-productive for all their efforts. I tried to calm
them all by telling them that I would eat a lot of nuts, but I guess
I was not really convincing them. But I stayed strict, finally I've
been a vegetarian for 33 years, and I knew all these arguments just
enough.
I
remember so well the face of my physio therapist who surprised asked
me towards the end, why I recovered so incredibly quickly and got
back on my feet so well.
I
only told him: Well, I'm just a vegetarian... !
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJtKAwG1nuXon9E68CRFQ25WJAl4E62vYxl7qkBuTDClLtPi4sJ1tIt0rSvJbw_HawfLXmSCFa-6q6aTGL2HtOJihwdiyYVUSljQOX7Dm4p7TDDoBUhdd8_lDS7hZjU_A-IKjv/s1600/says+yes+to+his+new+life+!.jpg)
In the next few weeks I made many exciting discoveries on my excursions in the hospital. I meet a old couple who came every Thursday in this clinic, just to talk to lonely people and listen to them. Years ago they had their son at the hospital, and since he got out they had started this work as a thanks for his recovery.
The rehab was an catholic institution, and even hosted a small staff of monks called the "Brothers of Charity". I got to know a few of these monks whose work it was to take care of lonely and desperate people who had perhaps to die soon. I admired these monks who were for me so incredibly human. They were like bright bright spots, even at my darkest days.
In
the rehab clinic I met many older patients who either had a heart
attack, or saw themselves confronted with cancer. I was always so
happy about my illness, because I had, in contrast to most here,
really good chances of recovery. I recovered, compared, at a enourmos
speed. Many were really jealous for me, and it often made my heart
bled when they were watching me in how I learned "poco a poco"
to walk again. I knew that many of them would probably never walk
again, and had to be happy if they would hold out for another few
years.
There
was even another patient with a Guillain-Barre-Syndrome. He was 6
years younger than me and already for 7 months in hospital. He could
not speak properly and did not even walk in the approach. Already in
the first few weeks I overtook him with my skills. I'll never forget
the day, as he cheered to me when I managed to do my first steps
without any help, it was his 42 birthday. I cried the whole day
because I was so sorry for him.
Around
New Year's Eve I was able to stay at home for 4 days, the first time
in three months after life in a big city hospital. It did me and my
family very good, even though all the noise from my children
affected my nerves badly. It was made up for by the fact that I feel
so much love from them and Juliana really didn't want to let me go
back into the rehab clinic.![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd45ydbYGmgs_rUGBmCySIY4ThN8SFrPoPSHlwYell8IO6jK2BIJ6clhyphenhyphenyIV-WfjcZnfKC7QHD_jeLPevVR8xKp5MZyuGQYmK1o5TsPqnpbwBwPFF3NSm25W4-673gnMMTWd2S/s1600/2013-03-06+09.50.39.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd45ydbYGmgs_rUGBmCySIY4ThN8SFrPoPSHlwYell8IO6jK2BIJ6clhyphenhyphenyIV-WfjcZnfKC7QHD_jeLPevVR8xKp5MZyuGQYmK1o5TsPqnpbwBwPFF3NSm25W4-673gnMMTWd2S/s1600/2013-03-06+09.50.39.jpg)
I
so admire Claudia, who managed both the house work with our two
little children and the constant visits to Granada with amazing
strength, good energy, and a calm faith in my healing.
But
I still have to look
inward rather than outward, to feel what I need and how much I can
expect from
my body. And of course I
need to do my strengthening exercises patiently and repeatedly.
I
was discharged from hospital on the 18th
of January 2013 after 103 days. I left without a wheelchair and
without taking any medication. I walked out only with a stick.
Now
Claudia always cooks me my favourite foods and they always taste
wonderful. I eat incredible amounts so I'm quickly gaining the 10Kg
which I have lost, suffering from the hospital foods.
Now
I have a twice weekly outpatient rehabilitation session here at the
Centro de Salud in Orgiva. The doctor and the physio-therapist there
are also super nice. Once a week a local friend Olli comes and works
with me at home. He is a very experienced physiotherapist from
Germany, who lives here with his family. So I'm in best of hands.
I
have already begun to work, which I really enjoy. But I still have
very little feeling in my feet, and walking is very shaky. My legs
are still very stiff. When I walk around in our small town , I always
look exactly where the nearest park bench is to sit down, often I am
suddenly tired and need a break. At night I often have muscle pain in
my legs and arms, but I consider it a good sign because it means that
they are becoming more alive. Presumably, individual muscle fibers
tense up there when they are re- connected to the nervous system.
then I must shake my legs quite often in order to alleviate these
cramps.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYffP6bXjpYJPrWZaWVw46i9GCpdo83vV7bhB8mO2OesPlodpE1c6bddLH3OiKZlcJNPg9v44LVtKymtvEAiPG4xCqqKRbtXOGTkXjQxxgV1Jcu9zr-_mI9V5G3BPd3qdoyyTO/s1600/Michel+mit+Solarmoped.jpg)
I
play sometimes the piano and the guitar. I started working again with
Milan my apprentice. So it is still a steep climb.
Recently, I can take the car again. I have visited my doctors and nurses in the ICU, the neurology and the Reha clinic. It was so touching, all enjoyed me so much as if I were an old friend. In the ICU I was the favorite patience of the station they told me, and they all agree, I'm really, really lucky, because they already had other cases with the same disease that had not healed as quickly as I did.
After
that, I just went out there on my own feet, sat in my car and drove
all alone for a 3 days holiday to the Cabo de Gata, that place from
which I had once dreamed so beautifuly there. Yes, sometimes dreams
do come true.
It
seems to me as if time for me has turned around. At first I was
almost dead, long time confined to bed, then in a wheelchair, and
then I left the hospital like a 90 year old on his cane. To this day
I still feel, unlike many of the people around me, every day a little
younger, stronger and more flexible. I'm curious when this
rejuvenating effect reverses again and then I will feel that I'm
getting older again.
The
Long Term Consequences:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizqUjpfM9dbVpk0UP6RTTm3Hwkj4pvQdGRkoGQPe1L4Zy36a8mzK2m_gK2wjbYfowSB4bmqG2A7Na8RBfxYiKqwkMNVJq9ciV-3A3gJpFtI39qb5xT01Sk31eboPg-2hkcz7KZ/s1600/fuesse_hell.jpg)
Meanwhile
I have reached a quality of life where I can sometimes forget my
disease for a few hours. For example if I concentrate on my work or
sit in front of the computer I no longer really notice my physical
afflictions, but because I am so much better sometimes, I do get very
tired of still having to deal with my weak body at other times. I
have been focusing on my body for all these months and have trained
and exercised almost every hour, and now I'm so tired of it. I'm just
ready for a holiday from all this body work.
The
numbness in my feet improved in small, barely perceptible steps, and
has now reached the 50% mark. The muscle which lifts my foot is still
very tired and my legs are still a little stiff and swollen. I still
cant squat, because my knees hurt badly when I try. I cant make a
fist without pain and the ability to move my shoulders is very
limited especially moving them backwards. I also suffer from getting
tired quickly and have a lower stress tolerance.
Today,
after 250
days, slightly more
than 8 months,
I really see myself for the first time confronted with the idea that
my late consequences could stay forever now. The recovery process now
is really stagnant for the first time. I get scared that it simply
might not go on. But now this fear drives me finally moving forward.
With it, I can now overcome my therapy-fatigue and continue with my
own exercise program. I'm going to continue fighting about return to
full salvation. I
will believe again in something unimaginable.
One more week, and it's been a year that I have come into the hospital. Still, my feet are quite numb. Some muscles are still paralyzed, the legs get quickly tired and are generally still a bit immobile. The position sense is not yet fully restored, and sometimes I stumble, or get stuck somewhere when I have to climb over obstacles.
I
can not run and I have pain when I walk uphill. But my general
strength is still growing slowly but steadily. My nerves have become
a little more stable and resisent.
I had a little Dejavu on Christmas Eve, when I brought my daughter Juliana to the hospital with a brain skin inflammation and they also took her on an intensive care unit. I looked at her, lying in a hospital bed, with exactly the same cables and hoses as I did . But she came out already after 12 days and is now regaining as fit as before.
Now it's January 2014, exactly one year when I came out of the hospital again. Unfortunately, I am already back in medical treatment. This time because of a late effect of having a catheter (over 2 months). It has been located a 3cm large bladder stone in the shape of a large coin. It was formed by lying motionless for so long and the permanent residual urine when having a catheter. For half a year I have now complaints while peeing and what is worse, it even hurts me when I walk. Riding my electric bicycle or my solar-moped does not work anymore. Any disturbance hurts.
I had a little Dejavu on Christmas Eve, when I brought my daughter Juliana to the hospital with a brain skin inflammation and they also took her on an intensive care unit. I looked at her, lying in a hospital bed, with exactly the same cables and hoses as I did . But she came out already after 12 days and is now regaining as fit as before.
Now it's January 2014, exactly one year when I came out of the hospital again. Unfortunately, I am already back in medical treatment. This time because of a late effect of having a catheter (over 2 months). It has been located a 3cm large bladder stone in the shape of a large coin. It was formed by lying motionless for so long and the permanent residual urine when having a catheter. For half a year I have now complaints while peeing and what is worse, it even hurts me when I walk. Riding my electric bicycle or my solar-moped does not work anymore. Any disturbance hurts.
First
I thought that I only have a bladder infection. Sometimes, after
strong efforts, I had blood in the urine. Only an x-ray exposed then
after months of trying many antibiotics this calcification.
Unfortunately
I have to wait very long for an appointment, the hospitals here in
Spain are overcrowded and grossly understaffed. I cant afford a
privately paid fragmentation of the stone (up to 5000 €) and it
would even only work with smaller stones.
The painkillers I have got prescribed (Metaminzol and Buscapin)for the long waiting time do not help, and so I have stopped to take them. When I walk not much and dont move the pain is bearable.
The painkillers I have got prescribed (Metaminzol and Buscapin)for the long waiting time do not help, and so I have stopped to take them. When I walk not much and dont move the pain is bearable.
But I lack the movement that I would need to still continue to stimulate my calves and feet. The numbness in the feet has become not much better in the last 3 months.
The permanent pain is very exhausting and need a lot of rest, in the daytime I usually can only find some peace while writing in front of the computer. So I wrote several articles on environmental issues. They can be found here:
www.michelartikel.blogspot.com
Meanwhile, February is gone, and my hopes for an early date for surgery for my bladder stone switch between : Now it will come for sure quite soon ...
Meanwhile, February is gone, and my hopes for an early date for surgery for my bladder stone switch between : Now it will come for sure quite soon ...
to
: ....Maybe it will take even until the fall, who knows ?
It
is an interesting state in which one is made from the strict
organization of a hospital. The hospital suitcase is already packed
for weeks, because it could be that they fill a gap with me and I can
come.
No
one can tell me anything there, and the one lady who could say
something, has rebuffed me really hard on my first try. Every day
dozens of people come to ask her so that she cant do her work
properly....
The whole put me now in a new basic mood to simply accept my suffering. Anyway I cant do nothing but wait. So inside I have decided to endure, no matter how, no matter how long, and no matter how painful it will be. What else can I do now?
That has now changed many things, especially my attitude to pain. I always felt pain as something life threatening. I had this natural reflex that made me stand still in front of strong pain. I fell into a kind of rigid and waited until the pain was over. I always gave my body the time he needed to heal. And I trusted him always full that he could fix it, too.
But what I am experiencing now changed everything. For a long time I havent accepted the pain in my bladder. I got stuck in this reflex because I thought that quite soon help would come. First, at the beginning when we all believed in a bladder infection, I hoped that the antibiotics would help me within days. Then later, I hoped the stone could be just smashed, and I would have to pee a few harmless crumbs for a while .
I
always hoped that salvation from the constant pain would come quite
soon. I took it slow, I didnt wanted to damage me and my bladder
more. And the pain told me when I should slow down more. Only that it
was so painfull all the time and it made me so very desperate and
helpless. Because I just could not do anything more than this to
remain, which of course was practically not really possible. So I
looked for jobs where I could sit and could forget my body, which
always works very well with the computer. But it was clear I wanted
to get rid of this pain as quickly as possible. It was unacceptable,
much too painful and I found it compleately unbearable. And if any of
these painkillers would have helped me, I would have swallowed
everything. I just wanted to get rid of it, I would simply poisoned
it away from my life as a pest or some nasty bugs ...
What happens now is really exciting. Finally I accepted the pain, I 'll take it now, I try somehow to live with it as best I can. And suddenly the pain went to the side, giving me the space I need to live. It is still there, but it has no longer the power to imprison me in my pain. I live my life again, and take it as it comes up. I now swim with the pain, not wanting to stop this river with a wall.
Sure
I would love nothing more than to come today to the hospital for
bladder stone surgery. But I now do not wait any longer to it, its
for nothing anyway, it is no longer in my power when that will be, I
really have now given in, let it be as it is.
And life comes back, I get back to work and little jobs, find myself once again involved in my own solar projects, as I know myself from before.
And life comes back, I get back to work and little jobs, find myself once again involved in my own solar projects, as I know myself from before.
Still I have to pee every 15min, still it burns like crazy while peeing, still it hurts in the bladder at each change of position and even when driving in a car on steep curves, still I can not drive my bike or my motorbike on the bumpy slopes here, still I sneak around like a ghost in order to avoid movement when walking.
By the things I like to do I forget the pain sometimes over many hours. The body seem to produce its own morphines, which none of these painkillers could do.
Yes, that is indeed really exciting, isnt it?
Many
of my friends have asked me what I think about why I got this disease
- Whether it has a deeper meaning or a message for me - Well, we all
tend to give a meaning to our illnesses.
Why
me?
What
did I do wrong?
What
needs to be changed in my life?
Often
it seems to me as if we will be damned in finding just any meaning,
as without our suffering doesn't make any sense.
But
sometimes we suffer even more from the meanings we give to an illness
than from the disease itself!
The
more I think about it, the more ideas come into my mind. In fact, so
much so that I started to look at it on different levels, in order
not to sink into chaos. My interpretations are probably always a
mixture of many belief systems and consciousness levels.
Here
are just a few possible examples of belief systems:
1. Magical - Disease as a retribution. If I receive too many good things, something bad is bound to happen. Or, I better not be too sure of myself, otherwise something bad might happen to me.
2.
Catholic - Disease is
ultimately God's punishment for some sin. The worse the disease, the
worse the sin.
3.
Karma - Any bad action
in the past (including past lives) ripens into the present illness.
The disease is therefore "bad" as it stands for earlier
misdeeds, "good" in the sense that the disease process
itself stands for the burning and releasing of previous misdeeds. It
is a purging and a cleansing.
4. Scientific - Whatever the disease may be, it has a particular cause or set of causes. Some of these causes are identified, others are unpredictable random phenomena. In any case, the disease has no meaning or deeper meaning. It is purely a chance happening.
5.
Medical - Disease is
essentially a biological disturbance caused by biological factors
(from viruses to trauma or genetic susceptibility, or environmental
triggering factors.) In the case of most diseases it is better not
think about psychological and spiritual forms of healing, because
most of them are ineffective and often prevent proper orthodox
treatment.
6.
Psychological -
Repressed emotions can cause illness. In extreme form: Disease is a
desire for death.
7.
New Age - Disease is a
lesson: You open yourself to a disease because you have to learn
something important from it, which will contribute towards your
spiritual development. The mind alone creates the disease, and the
mind alone can heal it.
8.
Integral or Holistic -
Disease is the product of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual
factors that are inseparable and none of these can be ignored. The
treatment must take all these dimensions into account.
9.
Existential - The
disease in itself has no meaning. It can only have a meaning if we
give it one and each person is solely responsible for this decision.
Humans are mortal and finite, and the only authentic attitude towards
the disease is to accept it as an aspect of our finite nature, even
if we give it a personal meaning.
10.
Gnostic - Illness is
an illusion. The entire manifest universe is a dream, a shadow play,
and we can only be free of disease when we wake up from this dream
and discover the greater Reality behind the manifest universe. Spirit
is the only reality, and there is no real disease.
11.
Buddhist - Illness is
an inevitable part of the phenomenal world. The question of why we
have a disease is as meaningless as the question of why there is the
air. Birth, aging, sickness and death - these are the typical marks
of this world, and like all phenomena they are transient, painful and
without self-essence. Not until Enlightenment, the pure
Nirvana-Awareness, will disease be finally transcended, because then
the world of phenomena is transcended.
(Source:
Ken Wilber, Grace and Grit)
So, from the above, you can imagine how strongly our own belief system can influence the significance of a disease, and also how much our self-chosen meaning, or mixture of meanings, will affect our healing process.
So, from the above, you can imagine how strongly our own belief system can influence the significance of a disease, and also how much our self-chosen meaning, or mixture of meanings, will affect our healing process.
My
personal favorites here are Nr.8 and Nr.11.
Here some of my
own interpretations on five levels of consciousness:
Physical level: I've never really learned to listen well to my body, but my recovery requires a lot of body awareness. If I do not learn it now, some unpleasant remnants of the illness will be left with me. They will always remind me and will inspire me to keep in touch with my body.
Emotional
level: I always wanted
to please everyone, because I wanted to be loved from everyone around
me. Often I gave too much, so I went over my own boundaries, without
even realizing it. The disease was like an emergency brake making me
rest and come back to myself. And I probably will not be fully back
until I have sufficiently stabilized my inner balance.
Rational
level:
The illness I had destroys the insulation of all nerves in the body.
It's like a complete short circuit in the nervous system, so much so
that the signals from the brain cannot reach the muscles and feedback
from the body can't re-enter the brain. And that happened to me, the
Solarmichel who was constantly working with cables and electrical
currents! This disease is just so fitting for me, because I always
deal with similar things in the external world.
Social
level: My illness has
reconciled me with society. There were so many years when I did my
best to be out of mainstream society. The change happened on the one
hand because I met so many nice, deep and honest people in hospital,
who do really good and meaningful work, and because it was so good to
see how much we can rely on our friends in times of need. On the
other hand, it happened because I feel really happy and supported
because the health insurance paid for all my hospital and
rehabilitation costs which was a huge amount and something I never
could have done alone.
Spiritual
Level: My
whole life had been a preparation for this experience. The desert
taught me once to discover the silence in my heart.
And
this silence made the world stand still one day, and I discovered
that I'm nobody. My personality disappeared without a trace at this
time for 3 days, and I could see the light of the world compleately
new again. I was suddenly not only a confused guest of reality, I was
reality. I disappeared like a drop when it hits the water surface.
I
was now ready for this new experience, which has demanded total
dedication to the here and now. I was also granted by the near-death
experience to get a deep insight into the nature of the ultimate
timeless reality. Both of these things were very important steps in
my spiritual development. I emerged stronger from my illness and my
experiences will certainly be a positive influence on my life, and
they may even facilitate my death. And maybe therefore I once might
take people's fear of death.
The
changes after:
I'm
also slowly realizing all the changes which caused by my illness.
First:
The
most important thing I learned from this is the assurance that
nothing can take us away from God (or the oneness). The false
assumption that we could somehow be separated from this unit is
probably the root of every form of fear in the universe. I know now
that I'll never feel alone again. I
am no longer afraid of dying, because I know now that nothing can be
ever be lost.
Second:
I
enjoy life more than ever and can see it much more relaxed than ever
before. Albert Einstein, in his unique genius, has once summed it up
in two really deep sentences: "There are only two ways to live
your life. Either, as there would be no miracles, or as everything
is a miracle"
And: "I must be
willing to give up what I am, in order to become what I can be."
Third:
I
think love is probably the only chance for us as humanity to survive
on this planet. Without love, we are only able to destroy everything,
and when we have learned to see with our hearts, we will be able to
stop that.
Today, after my near death experience I have a much more relaxed view of it all. I see us more like aging children who dont know any better. We are not perfect beings, but we are, after all, still really lovely. I can not really be angry with my own kids, if they have broke anything. They simply dont know it any better. Perhaps we might also stand there one day and have to say very sadly, "Oh, shit, ...earth broken." We will all have to pay the price for it, and that is ok.
But
as long as we live, the only important thing is life itself. The
present is all we really have, and that makes even me forgive my own
mistakes. I become a lot more compassionate and loving with all
beings, including myself.
Collectively
I have wondered already so often about our strange interest in all
these brutal cinema films about death and violence. Or about all
these world-end scenarios that our film industry is producing in our
times.
Perhaps
it is because we collectively have done so many unforgivable mistakes
that we somehow can not forgive us now. Maybe we subconsciously think
we deserve that now?
I
mean, we all know that we could have done more for the environment,
or against all the suffering in this world. We all run around here
with a more or less unconscious sense of guilt.
And
all media and environmental activists who want to tell us about all
the disgraces, only drive us deeper into this collective guilt that,
like all guilt feelings, blocks us so badly.
Here, too... nothing will change without love. We have done so many bad things. The history of mankind is littered with corpses, and catatstrophies, wars, lies, hate and violence. How can we all just forgive?
Here, too... nothing will change without love. We have done so many bad things. The history of mankind is littered with corpses, and catatstrophies, wars, lies, hate and violence. How can we all just forgive?
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwLiWXuOnh8xU3pjw35mu3csgl17QPr91vBJLh-QnAhnQ3hRw1CqNdwb03KmSVhyYFdjUdqqMPyySoqD7MKyfjSCpUNkE5FE2XPp3WDUHYh6_dTb2mRqkv5WURu9vzUI384em5/s1600/L%E2%80%99Amour+Divin+Et+L%E2%80%99Ego%E2%80%A6.jpg)
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We
are nothing more than aging children who have been up to something
really bad. Are we not loved anyway, just as all the true holy people
of this world have always told us?
Now we have the choice, and maybe this was ment by our Creator, as a necessary consequence of the free will He has given us. Maybe he just wants to see how much we can respect and value his wonderful creation!
Now we have the choice, and maybe this was ment by our Creator, as a necessary consequence of the free will He has given us. Maybe he just wants to see how much we can respect and value his wonderful creation!
Fith:
My
experience helped me in many ways with my spiritual development. It
reinforced me in an effect Ken Wilber has described beautifully as
"aperspective confusion". It's as if I can take
simultaneously a lot of different perspectives in the same time,
which of course is often very confusing.
Also
in the book "Healing the Light" by Anita Moorjani I found a
very good description of this seemingly pathologic effects, but for
me they are more a clear expression of spiritual development:
I realize that I often get very close to tears by trifles. There is a certain sadness inside me because I can now imagine the amazing beauty and freedom in the unity of all things, or sometimes because I just left from a moment of freedom and unity.
And
at the same time I'm so happy and grateful and I am crying tears of
regret and joy at the same time.
In
addition, I feel a deep connection towards everyone, as I have never
felt before. Love flows from me to each person. A form of affection
that I didnt even know. I have the feeling of being connected to all
on a deep level and to anticipate everything that they think and
feel, almost as if we were made of one mind.
And
paradoxically, I have the feeling not to be able to establish a
relationship to anyone in my environment or more specifically, that
others can not connect to me anymore.
It
is difficult for me to get involved in discussions about our daily
things.
My
attention span seems to have shortened, and I often find that my
thoughts wander in very different directions, even in conversations
with good friends. I realize that I'm restless and impatient in
social situations. I can not sit still very long or get involved in
conversations about mundane routine matters.
I'm
no longer interested in the news or what is going on in the world of
politics, and even what my friends do and think often leaves me more
or less cold.
Nothing
feels real and important anymore. I feel as if I no longer fit with
people on this planet and their values. My priorities have changed,
and I note that I am no longer interested in what I was interested
before.
Often
it seems to me as if the media has made people crazy and numb over
decades of painstaking work and often I find the topics of
conversation about it just mundane and boring.
All
these problems dont seem so big to me. I have a feeling that people
take life and its problems too seriously. I do not want to get
entangled in all these mundane concerns.
Sixth:
Whenever
I have conversations with my friends, I often notice that, because of
these changes, my views are so radically different that I often do
not want to get engaged in certain subjects. I now begin to realize
that my ability to judge and my power of discernment is impaired. I
cant draw clear dividing lines between good and bad, right or wrong
anymore.
Also
my whole emotionality is not as strong as I had known it from before.
Sometimes I think that emotionally I 'm getting more and more cold
and aloof. For others, I must look certainly often very
disinterested, everything goes just through me, like in an empty room
where there is nothing left. My personality, or rather, that what I
had always thought of it, seems to slowly dissolve into nothingness.
Something my mind is deeply frightened, but in many spiritual
traditions it is classed as a normal developmental process for the
inner observer.
In
my social contacts a real touch hardly takes place anymore. In
conversations no associations, images and judgments crop up in me.
This way I often cant bring out any reactions, what must be often
very strange for others.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMrlRlh5b_fkv_iSKz1M41WttaQOuHH5XDv8lAMpUV_Gl9Rw7Ii5pWX4zRIRYvWiRPLgAhnadfwpIWD-peqsXEKEvd6pZe7bFQx9wxTyNG-z1zMYyqTOcC6OH9R1HiYb7lmXc5/s1600/Traumbild+Frieden.jpg)
Seventh:
My sense of time has been extended to include a new reference :
Eternity . So much is irrelevant and meaningless in front of
eternity. I am no longer afraid of the finite, it gave me a new
comfortable confidence in the infinity of life and all creation.
My impressions from the other side of life and death is amazingly quite similar with those from the modern particle physics, which had always fascinated me. Especially those of the latest discoveries about the quantum vacuum.
My impressions from the other side of life and death is amazingly quite similar with those from the modern particle physics, which had always fascinated me. Especially those of the latest discoveries about the quantum vacuum.
Since
the uncertainty principle (Heisenberg) nothing seems to have of a
constant nature. An elementary particle can suddenly appear out of
nowhere and disappear there again. It appears spontaneously from a
dense information field. It is now believed that the information can
expand in this hyper dense quantum information field with millions
Multiple speed of light, and thus any information in the universe is
readily available.
Everything
comes and goes from this quantum vacuum. Materia seems to be more a
kind of a manifestation of the spiritual than reverse, as suspected
for so long.
For me, this only proves that the basic reality is actually timeless and eternal, and only once it has manifested itself in the form of materia, time and space arises with it.
My book recommendation for this: At home in the universe - Ervin Laszlo
For me, this only proves that the basic reality is actually timeless and eternal, and only once it has manifested itself in the form of materia, time and space arises with it.
My book recommendation for this: At home in the universe - Ervin Laszlo
I
should have had this book when I was 15!
All this is certainly very abstract for most people, but to me it was because of my experience as the clearest new picture of our world.
From this time in
the ICU and having a bad combination of a kateter and no ability for
any kind of movements.... I have got a big bladderstone
After a useless
treatment with antibiotics, trying to get a rid of a bladder
infection, I had to wait half a year for my operation. Horible days
with lots of pain, and no painkillers have worked, not even Valium! I
ended up using Marihuana again, I didnt touch it for 25 years!
Here are some
thoughts I wrote beeing again in the same hospital:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhULiXWOHXa6YUgETG76f4q4gZ-gRI9sgem0i28LIJUj7l2MqGRHqlwUVz_Xhw-Mv3V5OqkFVGtjTGYXfStOI3Jt5eFjTIw6jxWdzvgBrvDBRPVBqhBW4mwGJ613Nup-TC9OX5f/s1600/geminiden-meteorschauer-540x304.jpg)
But
again and again my mostly open heart closes and loves bathing in
self-pity. But often the next day my consciousness rises up and opens
my heart again. I can feel love for everyone again. I see the bravery
of all people and admire them, because they all withstand these
diverse and often really heavy challenges which life brings:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZ62JNXhbJ4YWEFtBNduvgct0Y2P-8JHlDxoYpQZfqcSfebLlPELzPYIL-uK9OgPdX712v_nv9h_wXvGjCgv8mVIKhgQR6ybs2W-0ctv3XUwI88h2wMw_XCV1lW5qwLRbKi-7/s1600/hospitalanimado3,fdf.jpg)
Doctors
who carry such great responsibility both to their superiors and their
patients – sometimes an impossible situation. All the patients who
are suffering pain and often look death in the eyes, or sit
helplessly in crowded waiting rooms, hoping desperately to recieve a
remedy for their suffering.
Finally,
the visitors, who despite their own fears, sorrows, pain and boredom
always try to give their most positive energy.
For
all these reasons, a hospital is a very strange and cruel place. And
yet in this place you can also find so much hope, love and
compassion, which you will hardly find anywhere else.
I'm
reading the memoirs of my friend Cathy, who has struggled with
chronic tuberculosis much of her life. She describes a meeting with a
Buddhist Lama. She had asked him for advice about all her physical
problems.
He
asked her if she wanted anyone else to carry this suffering for her
instead. She said no, of course not, because she really wouldn't wish
that on anybody else. The Lama said that we all have to carry a piece
of the suffering in the world and it will always only be as much as
we can bear.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEq1zK7V-Kt2VebQAz3bYxw3DFvYBhS09USXQac3jzSJt_LwUaLAqY6p9UKIAC1OUUU5wFTw4fpdTthOqRAgfKzn1DnTQnnZEv35SvCJB6Dlx8XtAF0BYGrCtNs14kjYR4UTU2/s1600/med_dsc02871.jpg)
Here
I really feel great admiration for all the hope us humans have. It is
such a powerful force within us and our will to live will stay with
us until the very last breath, or who knows, maybe even longer!
We
are eternal souls, equiped with this seemingly supernatural power of
life even though we still do so many stupid things here on earth.
Even if we destroy everything on this unique planet- because we are
still so incredibly childish and ignorant - Even if we haven't
managed to break these eternal chains of violence and suffering up to
now, we all are still the dignified bearers of a never ending hope
that always tends towards life and love. - A force that is definitely
stronger than anything else in the world.
Even
if we tried harder, we would never be able to destroy life itself on
this planet. This hope can never be destroyed as life is so much
stronger than death - Even if at first sight it looks as if death
will always win.
The
truth is that we overlook the fact that death is not really the end.
It is only a change into another dimension, and this power of hope in
us is immortal. Life is immortal!
Who
knows? Quite probably we may hope just as merrily after death as
before! Perhaps we will hope for a new life, or that our loved ones
may forgive us our faults, or that we might finally be released from
the eternal cycle of death and rebirth ....
To
this day no one knows with certainty, even if many us who have had
near-death experiences, such as myself, put together some pieces of
the puzzle. Death still remains a secret mystery, but we can tell
from all reports with great certainty that death is not the end,
because our consciousness is not the product of our body, but in fact
it is the reverse. Our bodies are the product of consciousness.
Epilog:
The Guillain-Barre-Syndrome (GBS) is not a time-sign of our civilisation and not a symbol of the evolution of mankind such as cancer. Cancer shows us the egoism of the individual against the whole and leads to the end of both. A GBS does not show like cancer, the inability to recognize the meaning of life and also to be able not to live it. A GBS changes a life very much, and I find it is a way to more consciousness and positive thinking. It can be such a powerful awakener ...from a very long sleep.
A
fellow sufferer, by the way a famous marathon runner, once wrote
about this disease, it is as rare as a winning in the lottery. In
fact, only every hundred thousand get it. But I think it is also as
valuable as a winning the lottery, because first it takes away
everything, only to give it back to you piece by piece. Through this
process both myself and everyone around me becomes more aware of what
a precious gift life is. If you look away from all the suffering with
GBS, it can be actually a wonderful disease. But its also very clear:
The best illness is nothing.
In any case Iam very happy about my desease. I could also have got an incurable disease, such as Multiple sclerosis, in which the chances of recovery are not as good as with GBS.
In
Genral each patient will sooner or later come to a point where you
will be very depressed, because all loved ones are of course very
stressed and debited around
you.
Many of us have big trouble to ask for help, we will always prefer to manage everything ourselfes, no one like to be a burden. For many it is also a challenge because they do not like to be in the spotlight.
Many of us have big trouble to ask for help, we will always prefer to manage everything ourselfes, no one like to be a burden. For many it is also a challenge because they do not like to be in the spotlight.
Mostly I also prefer to be inconspicuous. But with a GBS you suddenly get assigned the principal actor, and that can really overwhelm sometimes. But man grows through challenges if he can accept it. In this sense, to all patients : Just try to enjoy all this attention you get!
I realized that my illness was like a stone thrown into a smooth lake, and the waves generated big rings around me. All who knew me were very affected by my story.
For
many, I was always the epitome of a natural healthy life. I live in a
beautiful countryside as dropouts in Spain, am a vegetarian, non
smoker, never drink alcohol, no coffee, and eat only good stuff. And
still have lots of fun. So why just me ....
All
thought about the inevitable transience of life, and about diseases
and death..... And for many, this was like a rousing off the
treadmill of life.
Especially,
of course, for my wife, my children, my parents and my best friends
whose lives I had put completely upside down. My wife came every day
all the way to Granada to visit me, my parents have dropped
everything in Germany, went to a hotel in Granada, to be with me in
the hospital for many weeks. Every day I got visits from one of my
friends, it was so touching and beautiful. I dont know how many miles
were driven for me... all this attention has been a little
uncomfortable for me.
But
as for me, it was for all a springboard to sort outlook on life. To
re- recognize what it really is important, to be more conscious of
life and to enjoy it in every moment. Not least because despite my
suffering I felt how much I love to be alife and how precios it is.
Yes, and that's the real point in here, the love of life!
A
serious illness makes one beeing a symbol for others. A symbol of
vitality, of healing power, of beeing a heroic survivor of such a
deadly disease. Your will to live and your extraordinary power of
regeneration is now available as a example for others, it gets a
light in the darkness. It gives hope and strength to others. Everyone
who knew you will also have to think of you when something happens to
himself, and that for all time!
So
you create something timeless, something very beautiful for eternity.
And
of that alone, you have already given very much! Please never forget!
It
is very valuable, because it really is something very special,
something not just anyone can give.
And I think the other now can take a little bit care about you now. Most do enjoy that even very much! Indeed, it is nice to be able to do something for others. And you give them now the chance to do so.
I
was filled up with so much gratitude that I was almost bursting. The
tears were rolling down very often, just like for every little thing.
But it was always nice for me and for others.
Except
for Isa, the most experienced nurse in the whole hospital, which was
never able to deal with my tears, because I almost brought her hard
wall to melt....
Everybody
just as much as he can give . That's all right.
So, in short.... you as a patient should not worry about the others, because they have already enough to worry about you. And its unfair when they have to see you in these extra troubles.... Worries really benefit no one. Concerns are here nothing more than down pulling forces. It is very similar with guilt feelings, even that benefit neither anyone. Try to be grateful for all that is given to you, and this joy and love is doubled then in everyone. So everything is penetrated with a much more beautiful and positive energy. And that is what all living beings want.
Feel
free to write me if you would like:
Solar-Michel
Reactions to this report:
I got this email
from the chief doctor of the UVI. And I am very pleased that he gave
me the kind permission to translate and use them here.
Dear Solarmichel,
or as it seems
they’re calling you in Orgiva Miguel el Solar:
I’m
Dr. José Pomares, one of the doctors who looked after you in the
ICU. I’ve just read the story you wrote about how you experienced
your illness in the ICU and I’m really impressed because the
patients who survive from a critical condition very rarely have the
capacity or the will to express their experience in any way. It seems
that not wanting to remember what has happened to them helps them to
forget the whole thing and they think this will help them to recover.
You, on the contrary, have taken the decision to communicate your
experiences and talk about how wonderful the gift of life itself is.
So often we live, complaining about things we don’t like, about
what is making us feel bad and this prevents us enjoying the
wonderful gift of life. Every day it is a gift in which we can love
and do good. We’re always expecting to be loved, and we forget that
LIFE is in loving.
May
God bless you, your marvellous family and your friends who love you!
This
email I received recently from an old friend in Berlin, who wishes to
remain anonymous,. I have shortened it for here a bit:
Your
report is so close and so human, but you have experienced a real
superhuman things.
You
really do not describe scaremongering scenes, but for me a huge
feeling great fear remains. I'm still trying to figure out what it is
...
You decided for life! Where I often would so happily like to be dead, and I take that very special. I feel your report can be used almost like a psychedelic trip. It seems to me, you can take out what you want. Probably I will discover something new reading it every time again, and it has already changed my thoughts and what I experience.
You decided for life! Where I often would so happily like to be dead, and I take that very special. I feel your report can be used almost like a psychedelic trip. It seems to me, you can take out what you want. Probably I will discover something new reading it every time again, and it has already changed my thoughts and what I experience.
Wow,
you are really a incredible family! Sooo positive, by nothing at all
discouraged or in doubt!
You
are the absolute example for me, as being facing life through and
through. Through all the deep valleys, as they may still show up as
often.
I
am glad that all of you loves life so much. It's incredibly nice to
see that and I wish for you that it will always remains.
My
mother, who often visited me in the realy bad time in the UVI, wrote
these lines for me:
It was a shock! Never in my long life I had seen something like this. Who layed there was my flesh and blood, my son, who was almost never sick, always full of energy, funny and loving eyes, and always a smile on his lips.
In
these lips, now dried up, had no smile anymore and stood wide open.
They had put a thick tube or rod in them, and this was lashed by a
white cloth from ear to ear, as if to suffocate him. His dimples on
the cheeks were squeezed. His eyes looked at me, but they were wide
open and quite rigid, expressionless !
I
wanted to hug him, but that was not possible anywhere on the arms and
legs, he was wired up and it beeped, whirred, buzzed, ticking from
all corners of the room. So I could only stroke him delicately over
the head, but only on the forehead, everything else was covered with
this tightly bound cloth. The hands and fingers, as well with cables
everywhere, were powerless and without movement.
I felt so helpless and lost and infinitely sad. I wanted to cry uncontrollably. But I had to pull myself together, I didnt wanted to worry my beloved son or upset him even more. Sometimes his eyes were not quite as rigid, and I thought his eyes told me, "Help me !".
I felt so helpless and lost and infinitely sad. I wanted to cry uncontrollably. But I had to pull myself together, I didnt wanted to worry my beloved son or upset him even more. Sometimes his eyes were not quite as rigid, and I thought his eyes told me, "Help me !".
And
I was just standing around there and couldnt do nothing, what a
cruelty. I wanted to lie down instead of him and put it all on me.
Just swop with him, because I've already lived my life and I am old,
but Michel still has his whole life ahead with two small children who
still need the whole, healthy and happy, caring dad so much. Oh how
this is so unfair.
It
also was so bad that we could stay with him for only some minutes.
There was a long corridor , where I finally could cry silently. The
chief doctor who treated him saw me standing there and he took me
into his arms, and said, It will be all good again. That felt so
good.
Outside
the door the grandchildren were waiting for us, so I had to be very
brave and not cry again. Once I was crying but because I thought the
kids did not see me. They immediately ask me if dad was angry at me.
Then I told it all to them and we all three cried together.
But there was always one comfort, one day he will be healthy again. Almost all survived this disease.
Lindi Daniek